Scene One

In the personal room of Not Hat Guy

A knock comes offscreen. Hat Guy enters without waiting for a response and bows.

HAT GUY: Sir, I must inf–

NOT HAT GUY: clears his throat.

NOT HAT GUY: Yes?

HAT GUY: (Stuttering) I was just saying I must inform you that you are about to die, sir, quickly and anon.

NOT HAT GUY: Of course.

HAT GUY: You are not surprised, sir?

NOT HAT GUY: Not at all. I discerned from your utmost formal manner and grand stuttering that you meant to deliver profound news, and your use of the unnecessary words “sir,” “quickly,” and “anon,” amounting to no further information, gave me time to react.

HAT GUY: And a fair reaction thus.

NOT HAT GUY: Are you?

HAT GUY: Naturally not; I have delivered the news.

NOT HAT GUY: You have accepted your own imminent death, then?

HAT GUY: What?

Scene Two

A dining room

JEMMY: Thus am I relieved, that we may finally, together, as a collective family, enjoy some time together, as indeed we are meant.

EMMY: O, Jemmy, had you not heard? Sadly hath a great disease taken hold of us! We are dead, doomed; our family relationship is over!

JEMMY: What, madam? Make sense! Speak! I do not understand! Who is overcome with disease? And what disease hath overtaken us?

EMMY: Dearly, Ay!

JEMMY: Stop! Be calm, you, and say clearly! Is it you who is therewith infected, or is it our precious Dearlie, whom, as I make clear to any possible audience spying upon us now, I love greatly?

EMMY: Aye, Ay!

JEMMY: Marry, why, then, do you tarry here and not visit a physician?

EMMY: points to AY, stumbling in weakly from offscreen.

EMMY: Aye, Ay–

AY: Kind fellows, I beg ye help me.

EMMY: O woe! O Fate! O Ay, whom I loved!

JEMMY: What!

EMMY: Aye! It is within this pivotal plot point, this moment which, were we in a play, would be the greatest twist of the script–nay, of any medium–that I thus reveal it!

AY collapses dramatically, having conveniently expended the strength to walk now that he’s reached EMMY. EMMY assumes that he’s dead.

EMMY: O, I loved him!

JEMMY: Foolish girl!

EMMY: It was the action of my heart, not my mind! Will you deny me so?

JEMMY mindfully pulls a pistol from his coat and, with no great haste, shoots EMMY through the head.

JEMMY: See what you’ve done!

AY: Alas, Emmy! Now you share my fate! Join me in death, my supposed love!

Before they can cuddle dramatically, JEMMY shoots AY as well with the same care and precision as before, as though he were simply an artist painting an important picture.

JEMMY: (Genuinely emotional) What woe have they brought upon themselves! My heart burns in sympathy for them!

Scene Three

In the personal room of Not Hat Guy

HAT GUY: Surely you jest, sir.

NOT HAT GUY: Not in the least.

HAT GUY: You would that I give forth my life as easily as you give yours?

NOT HAT GUY: Easier, were you a good butler; as it stands, your sacrifice is acceptable.

HAT GUY: Acceptable! I must give it so soon–

NOT HAT GUY: And I likewise, or so you say. Will you dwell so long on things foregone?

HAT GUY: When it comes so suddenly.

NOT HAT GUY: I accepted mine with ease; you would do well to design the same.

HAT GUY: (Irritated.) Perhaps I am not as you are.

NOT HAT GUY: Then your sacrifice to me is with regret. If you were but willing–

HAT GUY: (With a start.) Do you mean to say you are the reason I shall die?

NOT HAT GUY: (Suddenly hasty.) It pains me to end a fruitful conversation so quickly, but we have no need to drag this on. How unfortunate, that you became so philosophical only now!

NOT HAT GUY stands and draws a revolver from his desk much in the same manner as JEMMY: not quickly, as to obtain surprise, neither slowly and hesitantly, as to appear regretful, but rather nonchalantly, with the smoothness and readiness of a motion well practiced. Without a second thought, he shoots HAT GUY through the stomach.

HAT GUY: Bastard!

NOT HAT GUY: (Looking downhearted, but not overly emotional, as he drops the gun.) You never were too good of a butler, friend. I have but one regret: in all that discussion so enriching to the mind and all that action so satisfying to the soul, I’d forgotten to ask you the reason for my own death.

NOT HAT GUY flings the doors open.

NOT HAT GUY: O, Death! Come and receive me!

Scene Four

The dining room

JEMMY: The blood! The pain! The death! The love, lost to us now! What sorrow has my Emmy brought unto us!

NOT HAT GUY steps out into the room.

NOT HAT GUY: A tragedy!

JEMMY: (Badly faking despair) A tragedy indeed!

NOT HAT GUY: But what for?

JEMMY: Oh, my beloved Emmy has, by her insolence, designed a cruel fate for her, and indeed for our poor Ay, and for myself!

NOT HAT GUY glances at the bodies of Emmy and Ay.

NOT HAT GUY: I gathered so.

JEMMY: Oh, have you? You know my pain! My sorrow!

JEMMY sighs dramatically.

JEMMY: Were she my wife, her consequence would be tenfold more; as it stands, she cheated not on me.

NOT HAT GUY: Rather, I gathered that some death has occurred here rather recently, as displayed by the bullet-ridden bodies here.

JEMMY: Oh! Speaking of which, will you help me?

NOT HAT GUY: What with?

JEMMY: It must appear that some villain has come hither and committed this terrible murder to these innocent souls–nay, they have, and I am but a victim! I have already covered myself in the blood, or rather, I am covered in the blood from the gunshot! You would do nicely to portray that character; prithee, inflict some non-fatal wound upon me, that may appear but a victim, or rather, only the victim that I am.

NOT HAT GUY: It seems but reasonable.

JEMMY: Preferably without gunshots!

NOT HAT GUY: Fear not, Jemmy. I am a gentleman.

JEMMY: O, benevolent man, thankee kindly.

NOT HAT GUY takes JEMMY’S gun and bashes him in the head with it.

NOT HAT GUY: If not you, then who will deliver unto me sweet death? Or am I to be kept waiting?

NOT HAT GUY takes a deep breath, collecting himself, and kicks open the door.

NOT HAT GUY: O, Death! Come and–

Scene Five

Outside the house

NOT HAT GUY finds himself surrounded by a barricade of police cars.

NOT HAT GUY: Dammit.

POLICE VOICE: Don’t move!

NOT HAT GUY draws Jemmy’s gun from his coat and, with a determined expression, fires at the police and misses every shot.

POLICE VOICE: You are awful at shooting!

NOT HAT GUY: I? Nowise!

THE POLICE shoot NOT HAT GUY to bits.

THE MAID: O, sirs, come quick! Jemmy is mortally injured!

THE POLICE cautiously enter and find the bodies.

THE POLICE: This man is dead. They are all dead.

THE POLICE turn to the THE MAID.

THE POLICE: You are the one who called us hither?

THE MAID: In sooth, no-one else is alive.

POLICE VOICE: He is dead of a terrible disease, transmitted somehow by blood.

THE MAID: They’re all dead. They’re all dead. They all die in the end.