I started taking Zoloft for depression in February. However, I stopped taking it in June. I have since started taking it again. When I thought about how I felt when I was taking Zoloft and how I felt when I wasn’t, I began to question the drug.

When I wasn’t taking Zoloft, I had thoughts of suicide. Now, I still believe that I would be happier if I were dead, but the urge to die is gone. I’m not sure if I like this. It’s basically like thinking about something that usually makes you feel a certain way, but now the feelings have disappeared. It’s as if the drug is numbing my emotions. Sure, it’s only numbing negative emotions, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. I wish to feel all of my emotions, even if it kills me.

I don’t want to live only for other people. If I am not happy, I don’t want to be bound to this world because other people don’t want me to die. I don’t want a pill to enslave me in this life if it’s not what’s best for me. I’ve already accomplished my main goals in life. The yawning expanse that is the future is menacing. I don’t wish to just cope with life, yet it feels like that’s exactly what I’m doing most of the time.

Happiness never lasts long in my life. It often feels like happiness only lasts long enough to tease me. Hope often abandons me. I don’t find satisfaction in the things that make most people happy. I am very self-aware, which alienates me from most people. As a result, I isolate myself  most of the time. Since I don’t want to change who I am, I often feel very lonely.

Ironically, the more I think about how my depression has affected me, the less I want it to go away. My best times have sprouted from my worst times. I gained my wisdom from hardship. Depression has become a part of my identity. I live to gain more wisdom. If I gain that wisdom through depression, then I have no reason to live without my depression. It seems like this, one of the most depressing conclusions of all, may be the only thing that keeps me alive.

That is my depression paradox. Happiness would be nice, but as my happiness fades, I grow more accepting of my new fate.