Really, I wasn’t even that sick. It was just a cough. Old folk like myself get those all the time.  Nothing to be worried about. But of course, my granddaughter, bless her soul, did worry. I didn’t know that she was coming- nobody had told me ahead of time- but her explanation of her trip to my home did make my experience make a lot more sense.

I was resting in bed. I know I said earlier that the cough wasn’t too bad, but I do need my rest. I heard scratching at the door. That seemed odd. I don’t have a cat, and the strays tended to stay in the woods. I got up out of bed and strolled to the door; yawning. I opened my front door, and was instantly confused, as I found myself right in front of what seemed to be a wall of fur- and teeth.

Next thing I remember, I’m in an enclosed, dark space. I won’t go into much more detail than that, because it was frankly disgusting. Outside, I heard what sounded like my dear granddaughter. “Grandma! It’s me! I brought sweets and bread- well, just bread actually, I may or may not have eaten the sweets on the way here.” Despite my less than ideal current situation, I chuckled. An insatiable sweet tooth certainly ran through my side of the family. I heard the door open, and steps gradually growing closer to where I was… which seemed to be inside something’s stomach.  Gross. I’m going to stop thinking about that now.

From outside, my granddaughter speaks once more. “Hi, Grandma! You’re in bed this early? I’m sorry, you must really be sick.” Wait. WHAT? She thought I was in my bed? My face fell, and I got a bad feeling. Another voice coughed- a voice that belonged to the animal that had eaten me. A male voice, doing possibly the worst old lady impression known to mankind- “Oh, don’t worry dear, I’m alright.” My granddaughter spoke again, “My, grandmother, my memory of you must be hazy. I forgot what big eyes you have!” My heart sank. She- she thought- “And what big ears you have!”- that the creature that ate me was –“And what big TEETH you have!” OH –“Well,” – MY – “”All the better to eat you with!” – GOD!

My granddaughter is an imbecile!