No one likes getting in trouble. Not from parents and especially not from momma. I mean, my dad probably just tell me after I broke the dishes, “Justin, don’t do that again!” “Sure pops,” and everything would be cool afterwards. But, my mom will murder me for no reason I mean, I’m not sure how other moms are but my mom can make the most petty situations into a moral lesson. I don’t know how the h*ll she does it but my mom can give me a 45-60 minute lecture about accidentally falling down or not knowing how to fix computers and things like that.

I remember this one time back in elementary school that I went shopping with my mom and I fell down. Thump! There I was on the ground but did my mom come to help me up? Nope. My mom just looked down at me, “Justin! Get up now! What are you doing?!” I managed, “I-I-I fell down. My left leg is bleeding!” My mom went ballistic and picked me up, “Why did you fall down?” I looked around and saw a small ledge that I didn’t see before and pointed at it, “I think it was that.” My mom let out a sigh of disgust, “Justin, you should’ve saw that. What were you doing?” I was like What?! How was I supposed to see a 3 centimeter ledge when you told me to help you look for clothes? but I found myself responding, “I didn’t see it.” Right after I said that, my mom lost it, “What’s wrong with you?!” I was about to apologize but my mom was on a roll, “If you’re clumsy now, what do you think will happen to you when you grow up? What if you forget about an important paper and got fired from your job? You only have one chance when you’re on the job: ONE. What if you become homeless because you were clumsy?” I just stood there, dumbfounded, and understood nothing that my mother said in her rant, “What was that now?” Instead of answering my question, my mom continued onto part 2 of her rant right in the middle of Dillard’s for a solid 15 minutes until she realized that people were staring at us. Me, on the other hand, was frozen over there letting my mom’s words flow right through my ears thinking, How did it turn out like this just from falling down? “I won’t fall down again,” I squeaked “So mom, umm… the cashier is waiting…”

Another time when I got slayed by my mother was when I didn’t know how to fix her computer. I was just closing my eyes when my mom shouted, “Justin! Come down here!” I got up, “What’d I do?” I went downstairs and saw my mom at the computer, “What?” My mom got to the point, “Fix my computer.” Now, ladies and gentlemen, that phrase would make sense if my mom was talking to someone from Economy Computer Repair or Geek Squad and not to a 7 year old child who has touched the computer as often as a solar eclipse occurs. Of course I responded, “Ma, I am a 7 year old kid. You think I can fix computers?” My mom nodded, “Why not? Try something new each day.” I was like There is no way in f*****g h*ll I’m gonna know what to do, much less fix a computer! What does Ma expect?, “I’m sorry Ma, it’s not that I don’t want to help you but it’s that I can’t help you. I’m sorry.” My mom suddenly said, “That’s why you never improve! You never try new things! You have to try everything to know what to do! You have to…” After 14 seconds, I muted my mom out (for those good kids out there, do NOT do this at home!!!) as my eyes began to glaze over. My mom started her roast at 8:26 and finished at 9:17 and I started from sitting in a chair to being ash on the ground. My mom caught her breath and said, “I should’ve asked your father.” I was so pent up but I knew that retaliating would be writing my own death letter and let out, “Why didn’t you just ask the right person in the beginning?”

Even though my mom roasts me from raw to medium rare all the time, I don’t think that I should deserve those punishment speeches. I don’t mean that I hate her or nothing for those speeches because I learned the most important life lesson: Never do the same thing twice even if you think you didn’t because Ma always knows. I respect my mom for telling me about what not to do but I don’t want to hear it on repeat. More importantly, I just wish that my mom will come to understand that talking to a 7 year old boy about his future life is just like talking to a potato.