I stared at his food as if it was something so repulsive, yet so beautiful at the same time. My  breath was shaky, my entire body curling in pain as the thought of having to ingest so much food clouded my tainted mind. Raising my hand, I noticed the tremors in my pale hand as I reached for the utensil.

The shiny silver seemed to mock my sunken in reflection, highlighting my papery thin skin and bruised under eyes. My eyes filled with tears as I continued to stare at my once beautiful face. The reflection in the spoon seemed to reflect all of my inner pain onto the outside, as if it was a mirror into the soul.

My once lively expression was now torn, demented as I began to realize his entire being was swallowed by fears and the need for control.

Food was my kryptonite. It was what weakened me so much. But it was also my heroin, an addiction to something so necessary for life but so detrimental to my inner self. I was addicted to food, to being in control. Counting every single calorie and every grain of rice that passed my chapped and bloodied lips.

Taking a deep breath, I took the tool and dug it into the rice, spreading it around the plate. My goal was to make it seem like I had eaten. I didn’t want them to be worried. The members were questioning the change in my body, but the fans told me that I was beautiful. That was what was important. To be beautiful.

I scooped the rice onto his spoon, moving my face to closely count the grains. One, two, three, four, five…

A white static filled my ears as I counted, meticulously checking to make sure each grain was an equal size.

‘That’s enough.’ I thought to himself as I lifted the substance to my lips. My body was shaking in fear, breathing suddenly becoming rapid and labored. I licked my lips. The tears began to fall. I let out a small whine and the spoon clattered to the ground, the five grains of rice dropping to the hardwood.

“I can’t do it..” I pushed the plate away from me and folded my arms, leaning my head against them and beginning to sob. I was such a failure. All I wanted was to be beautiful, but I also wanted to be happy again.

I wasn’t happy anymore, all of the joy being robbed from me when the demons attacked my waking body.

As I sobbed, I felt two strong arms slowly wrap themselves around my heaving torso.

“Bummie…” The warm voice trailed off, the arms tightening around me.

I began to cry harder as Jonghyun leaned into my body, covering me as if he was shielding my body from the storm swirling around me. He nuzzled his face into my neck, breathing warm air against me as I shuddered in pain and my cries grew louder.

We stayed like that for a moment, Jonghyun holding me as I continued to pour my pain onto the table. I was such a failure. I couldn’t get better. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to take control. I couldn’t stop the monsters from throwing daggers into my thoughts. I was destroyed, nothing left of my old self that was once happy and exuberant. I was the ruines of a once beautiful citadel. My wings were broken and I could no longer sore.

God, is this worth it?

I hiccupped and lifted myself from the table. “Jjong, I don’t think I can go on any longer like this… Its tearing me apart. I’m so hungry and scared. I’m cold Jonghyun, so cold.”

His grip tightened even more, his emotions rolling off of his body and waves. I could feel his concern and pain as he watched me shatter.

“You aren’t alone. You can do it Kibum. I’m here and I will never leave you alone.” He started to pepper caring kisses onto my neck.

I released a breath that I hadn’t realized I had been holding. I leaned into his embrace and closed my bloodshot eyes.

“Hold me… Hold me together before I fracture beyond repair. ” I rested my head back against his shoulder and licked my cracked lips.

I felt myself being lifted from my seat and carried over to the couch. I was placed down on the soft material as he held up a finger to signify to wait a minute. I nodded, leaning my head against the cushion lethargically. My entire body ached and burned with pain, and I couldn’t process much of anything.

He returned a moment later with a bowl of steaming broth. Jonghyun looked proud of himself as he pulled in the coffee table closer to my knees. I lifted my legs and curled them under my body.

Placing the bowl of hot liquid, I finally recognized what it was. Sweet rice porridge. I glanced over to Jonghyun and let a smile crack through my drained face. He was so sweet, so caring. I felt so guilty for being so weak compared to him.

“Let’s eat, okay?” His smile never faded, happiness reminding me of Roo when she was younger.

I nodded, unsure if I would be able to do this. I wanted to get better, so badly did I want to return to the body and mind that I used to be so proud of. My strength and power I used to emit the minute I walked on stage.

‘I can do this.’

‘I am strong.’

The spoon lifted to my lips, a small portion on the metal object. I looked up at Jonghyun. He was my rock, my stability. Everything that contrasted who I had become.

I glanced once again at the food poised near my mouth.

‘I am almighty.’

I let the spoon pass my lips, and I chewed. I swallowed my food and looked up at Jonghyun with so much pride in myself.

‘God, he is worth it…’