Neat. That’s how I am. People are impressed at how clean my room is. However, if they would take apart my room, they would find “trash” everywhere. If they were to look under my bed, they would find a black box filled with letters, concert tickets, soda tops, pictures, basically anything and everything.

My most valued item in the box is a handwritten note. The girl who gave it to me used to be my best friend. Most people would’ve thrown it away even if they were still friends; accidentally lose it or just toss it in the trash. It’s insane how hard it is for me to let go, but it has everything and nothing I need.

That note has nothing special written on it; it literally just has a drawing of what she thought my face looked like when I smiled, but it holds everything I remember from our friendship. When she handed me the drawing I was ecstatic. You know how you get all gushy when someone says something reminded them of you? That exact feeling. She probably could’ve told me she saw a garbage can and it reminded her of me, and I would still smile and laugh because someone who cares about you thought of you throughout their day.

Whenever I look at the note, I begin to think of how much we both cared for each other and how stupid we were/are. Our friendship ended mostly because of me, partly because of her. When I moved to Austin, we would still make sacrifices to call each other and visit.

However, I don’t think it was enough for her or maybe I was too much for her. I’m not sure how to explain it, but she would always worry about my well being; she was scared of my constant anxiety and panic attacks. She couldn’t handle it, and I don’t blame her because I didn’t want to burden her. But that’s just what I did.

And just because this is the age of technology, she blocked me on every social media site except Facebook. So with a hint of bitterness and rage, I unfriended her on Facebook, blocked her back, and deleted her number. It was hard doing it. I had to think about it a lot, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Partly because my nose was stuffy due to crying and my chest was heaving.
I could have called her anytime I had wanted to because I have her phone number memorized. Unfortunately, I am too prideful and scared. Scared that she won’t answer or she won’t reciprocate how I feel. So, I look at that stupid note and feel everything we had and what we are now: strangers. I put all my things away and go through life while removing her from me. With time, I won’t need her and that’s everything I am looking forward to.